at what point do things start making sense? at what point can I stop relying on substances to keep me going? ten pills a day, assorted vitamens, blood thinners, calcium blockers, etc etc etc. Why can't i just be one of those smiling moms who always feel good and have all the energy in the world to run around with their kids? are thye on crack? why can't things just feel good and right? hopefully once the pneumonia is over it will.
there are so many things i want, that i cant even begin to start to make them happen. i just keep hoping that if i go to work, work hard, love my child and my family, it will all just kind of happen without me actually having to do anything. and every day i wake up and nothing is changed. sort of depressing. i'll give it a few years. because i'm not necessarily unhappy. i have everything i NEED. and yet, i'm not even sure from here what it is exactly that i want. besides all the money in the world, then i could unconditionally buy everything i want for abigail, and for michael, and for us. then i wouldn't even have to put a lot of thought into it. we could just have it. how do we make that happen?
